'Twas the day after Christmas when Santa returned He was looking quite happy, all trim and sunburned His sleigh had been emptied, and I'll bet you're all guessin' If he did the same thing to his borrowed Smith & Wesson
Well the fact of the matter is in need of reporting, Like the press oughta do about Clinton's cavorting! Seems Santa encountered some trouble 'long the way, 'Cause some not-too-bright dirtbags tried to hijack his sleigh
When he left Christmas Eve, he was ready for action And he made real good time, thanks to reindeer hoof traction He had rag dolls, and capguns, baseballs and bats. New dresses, toy airplanes, and a few dogs and cats.
Seems these wannabe grinches thought they were hot shooters So's a bunch of 'em tried to be Christmas gift looters But the one thing they hadn't expected to meet Was a licensed St. Nick, packin' full magnum heat.
The night was still young, when these dipwits appeared Their caps all turned backwards; at least one had a beard. They were trying to look vicious, as they stood in his path He could tell in an instant that they needed a bath
One fool made a grab for Comet and Cupid, But froze when St. Nick had yelled "Hold it, there, stupid!" When he leveled my sixgun at this crazy-eyed fellow The snow at his feet turned a pale shade of yellow
"It was over real quick," Santa said with a chuckle As he hauled out my Smith from behind his belt buckle "Never fired a shot, never pulled back the hammer "Got the cops on my cell phone, and sent 'em all to the slammer"
After that much excitement, 'twas a rest Santa needed So with his gift-giving, he quickly proceeded And when he was finished, Santa issued this order: "Rudolph, old pal, take us south of the border!"
So now he was rested, and this stop was his last one And he made it real clear, that it must be a fast one With my piece back in lockup, he said "Thanks for the loan "Next year, rest assured, I'll be packin' my own"
And just what, did I wonder, might then Santa unlimber? A Colt, Sig or Taurus, a Glock or a Kimber? Perhaps Heckler & Koch, a Kahr or a Ruger? A wheelgun from Rossi, a Walther or Luger?
"I'm not sure," replied Santa, as he scoped out the weather, "But I'll contact your buddy, Mitch Rosen, for leather. "And now, I must leave you, until late next December "But Dave, I assure you, I will always remember
"You did me a favor, and that's one I owe you "So when I get my own gat, I'll be certain to show you "In the meantime, ol' buddy, I'll scream it, I'll shout it "If you're licensed to carry, don't you leave home without it!"